i have no idea when the last time i updated was. at this point, who cares? I usually only come here when i'm sad, anyway.
i'm sad. i've had several glasses of wine, admittedly, but still, i'm sad. i feel a loss.
"let go, let go... cause there's beauty in a breakdown..."
i used to listen to that song with KM while we'd make love... or, just have the most amazing sex of both of our lives. KM replaced the Mexican. Even without love, he was the most incredible lover i've ever had.
it's 4 months since we were together, KM and I. i am now firmly back with my ex-boyfriend, i love him (my ex), we are happy almost all the time, i love his parents... we are a fantastic couple. but here's the secret to an amazing couple: there's always stuff that doesn't work. the good couples just deal with it, ignore it, avoid it, or accept it. and i think, basically, i have to accept it.
i adore my boyfriend... i love his personality, who he is, his gentleness, that he'll be an amazing father... I love his family. We are a match. With one exception from day one: sex is no good. to be blunt, we're attracted to each other, and he's very appealing to the eye, ALL of him... but there is little to no sexual chemistry. I don't think he knows that.
so... i often wonder, am i lucky to know that there is better sex out there, or would i be better off not knowing? basically, i always come up with the same answer... it would be better if i didn't know, but thank god i do. a lot of people don't talk about sex, or care, or really know what it can be like. and i remember how that felt. but honestly, it can be fireworks. just shake your head, shocked, incredulously amazed that something can be so intense. it can be like that. at least, for me it can.
but with my boyfriend, it's not. and it never has been. not once. it's just not there. it's mechanical with him... not primal. and i am surprised by the sadness i feel knowing that i've probably given up something so amazing... namely, earth-shattering intimacy. even with someone you don't love. it is possible, and a connection is formed.
i want my boyfriend to be the father of my children one day. but here it is:
i can imagine myself straying. not soon, but one day, eventually. i can imagine it.
i'm saddened by that... that knowledge of my capacity for disloyalty and dishonesty. but KM said it..."you need an outlet if it's not working; it's inevitable."
my boyfriend cheated on his ex when sex was shitty between them, so he knows... but he couldn't imagine me cheating, i don't think. it just makes me sad, i guess. i don't like giving things up, i think. no one does... but i think i'm particularly bad at making sacrifices.
