The Croatian I met over a month ago on holiday came to visit me in my city this weekend. It was, in a word, exhausting.
He was kind of moody, pouty, and hard company to entertain. I didn't like his behaviour a lot of the time, and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around his moods a little bit. Also, a big killer for any chemistry we had was that he's not very affectionate. I am. It doesn't work for me at all. If we're side by side, I need us to be touching. I'm not insecure, I just have to be touching the person I'm with... I enjoy it so much and it's a privilege of being together.
This guy really made me appreciate how affectionate the guy I've been seeing is. I missed the other guy, we'll call him "Pete." I'm actually surprised. The Croatian's company has made me really miss and like Pete more, I think. Even listening to Pete's old phone messages makes me smile. I would really like to be able to call him and talk, but I know that's not ok given that I just spent the weekend with another man. (I told Pete right away that I had this company coming at the beginning of February.)
I was feeling low tonight. I logged into an online dating site to chat and see who has messaged me. I perked up a bit when I got some attention, but it was fleeting. I wonder when I turned into someone who really doesn't want to be alone? I don't though... I'm not desperate, and I'm not looking for a commitment, but I just want to be around men, and dating. I think that's normal when you're out of a relationship, and it's not a bad thing to want to be social, but I think my self-esteem is a bit fragile right now. I feel like if I had to go without male attention, or had no prospects, I wouldn't feel very good about myself. And I don't remember being like that in the past.
