We just broke up. 15 months after the day we met. Fuck.
As he was leaving my bed I said, "I'm sorry this had to happen on a Monday before you have a full week of work ahead of you." I didn't know what to say. He answered, "Namechange, I think my work is the least of my problems right now." I nodded.
He's right. In the big scheme, and the little scheme, work is the least of his worries. How did he recognize that? Because I didn't. And I never really do. I never really realize what's a priority and what isn't. And as a result, I find myself thinking JESUS. Did I just let someone go who was REALLY GOOD FOR ME?!? Fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
I need to sit with this for a little while to figure out if I just shot myself in the foot. I feel like, I don't want to lose him, but I'm not behaving like I want to keep him, either.
I'm sad for him, too. I'm his best friend. And no doubt, he's in love with me and was planning the future. But...what can I do? God, I don't want to be the one to hurt him. Not when I care about him this much.
I just keep shaking my head in disbelief. I can't believe it. And yet, I know it's not the wrong thing to do. (I'm not wholly certain this is the right thing to do, or even that it's the right time to do it, but ... being honest with myself and to him, this is not the wrong thing to do.)
Oh god... now it's starting to hurt. I just love him too much to be the one to hurt him. But the reason I'm hurting him is because I can't love him enough to stay with him.
we rented the movie "the break up" with jennifer aniston. i don't know that it was a coincidence. I'm actually drawing strength from that movie reminding myself that break ups are common....and they really fucking suck.
