I have been studying legal cases for about 4 hours. I'm tired. The coffee is keeping me going. I'm writing my paper. It feels like it's going well, but my god this is a lot of work for 15%.
I told my boyfriend that when I got finished for the night, I'd drive his car back to his place (it's parked in my garage), sleep at his place, and then get up to study in the morning. In the end though, it's really late, my bed is right next to me, and I'll be way more productive if I can leave all my books set up and just get right into it as soon as I wake up. It will take a big load off my mind if I can finish this paper this weekend.
The thing is, my boyfriend was out partying tonight. He drinks e.v.e.r.y. weekend. When I met him, he drank during the week as well. His last girlfriend(s) left him because of how much he parties. And it's not just alcohol.
I truly don't mind that he likes to have a good time. I don't have a problem with him going out regularly. But I really notice how much he goes out, to the SAME club every weekend, when I'm stuck studying. It's like,
I haven't gone out or gotten drunk in about 3 weeks. In that time, he's done so many times.
He has a new job that is pushing him a lot right now. Salespeople...very work hard, play hard mentality. (Play. very. hard.) I don't mind recreational drug use ON OCCASION, but I think my boyfriend falls into temptation far more than he admits to himself. At some point, that would be a deal-breaker for me.
Anyway, I called him just now to say I wouldn't be making it to his place tonight. He has a friend from work sleeping over so he couldn't just come back to my place (as I suggested).
The thing is, I realized that talking to him kind of put me off. I knew he'd be drunk, but I think I hoped he'd be a little more sober than he was. He's been really drunk like that, or high, the last 3 times we've spoken after a night he's gone out partying this week. It made me tense up in the way I used to (and still do) when I would call my mom, and immediately regret it. I would call hoping she'd be sober, and within a second of talking to her, I'd know I'd called too late in the night and she was innebriated. It's a long time coming for me to openly accept that my mom was a functional alcoholic, but so it is.
Just now, talking to my boyfriend, hearing how drunk he is, I feel like I just realized that I can't do this relationship forever for another reason. There are other reasons that suggest that we can't be together forever, and I am working to ignore those thoughts and just focus on how well we get along right now. But hearing him slur like that, I don't like it. I think he has alcoholism in his genes, and so do I, which makes for a bad combination. I would never nag him to stop something like drinking because, unlike doing his dishes, I don't think he's capable of taking partying out of his life.
I feel quite lucid in that thought right now.
