Ho-hum. Sitting at home. Boyfriend is mad at me. It's kind of my fault, and kind of isn't.
Two nights ago, we went to see a movie. I got annoyed with my boyfriend for a stupid reason and he walked on eggshells around me for the rest of the night. When we went to bed later, I told him that basically I think he's intimidated by me and that he needs to have the balls to tell me off when i'm out of line. I stand by that statement. At the heart of a relationship, you need to be with someone strong enough to tell you off when you're wrong so that you know they're strong enough to help you out when you're weak and need support. I fundamentally believe that.
It often feels like my boyfriend is not strong enoug to carry me when I need some emotional support; he's good when i'm strong, but not good when i'm weak, or feeling vulnerable (i.e. when i'm stressed).
After I told him all that, he couldn't sleep. He decided to get up in the middle of the night and drive home. I didn't try to stop him. I wanted him to think about what I'd said because for me, I need him to get a backbone or I'm not going to be able to think about him in any long-term sense.
I went to work the next day and had a really long shift. I have a bad cold and I couldn't get a ride home so I went to my boyfriend's place which was a lot closer. He was out clubbing, so I just went to sleep. In the morning, once he was back, we didn't discuss what was said the other night. We had sex, which was GREAT (which it never really is for me). I don't know if it was because he was mad at me, or what, but he was finally as agressive in bed as I always want him to be. It was nice and I told him so.
Eventually, just now, he planned to give me a ride home and he'd get some food in my neighbourhood. He did something a bit air-headed in the ride over, though, and I made a comment to the effect of, "Um, hello? Welcome to the conversation." He didn't like that. Then we kind of disagreed about how to get through traffic, and I got a bit lippy with him. I was in the wrong. We pulled up to my house and he said he wasn't hungry anymore. Basically, he didn't want my company anymore. I was ok with that and he left.
Now things are not settled. I don't know how to settle them. At the end of the day, we do love eachother, but I think he may just be too young for me. I think I may just be trying to mold a boy into a man prematurely. A lot of little things about him drive me nuts, and a lot of them, at their core, have to do with me feeling like he's just not mature enough to take care of shit. His mom hasn't come to stay (and clean) his house in about a month, and there are NO GROCERIES. Like, mustard and eggs and that's it. Even his friends were commenting on it today. I know he eats out, but to me, that's just like being a college kid. And he went out last night (clubbing) like he does every weekend. I don't mind him clubbing, to be honest. But the things he finds funny, his conversations about what happend at the bar the previous night, I listen to him talk and I think, "Sure, it's funny. Except that I've heard this EXACT SAME conversation, about the SAME incidents happening in the SAME bar at least 14 times." It just seems very immature. So maybe this is my fault. Maybe I'm just trying to be with someone who doesn't exist; it wouldn't be the first time I've tried to change a man in my head.
I'm going to take myself to a cheap movie.
