My boyfriend looked at me lying in bed this morning as he got ready for work. I had nowhere to go today because I am severely underemployed. (This is partially my fault, but not entirely). My boyfriend's comment, knowing I've been feeling low for a while: "Look at you lying around like that, not a care in the world. What do you have to worry about??"
He's not the most sensitive person sometimes.
I get that on the surface, no job and no place to go might seem fun. But it gets old. I have no money coming in, and this summer has been very tight for money overall. My jobs have been shitty and very inconsistent, my boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot, and I'm generally feeling a bit panicky.
Basically, I feel like I AM DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!! Somewhere, I am not listening to my gut, or I'm not paying attention, because I do not feel good about my program in school, or the people I go to school with, or the place I'm in in my life. I am doing something wrong.
My boyfriend almost broke up with me last night, sort of. I don't know if he'd ever actually do it, but he voiced that we should break up. We talked it over and we were close that night, but I'm worried we might fight again tonight. I'm going to go to the gym to work off some stress, but fuck, me not working is such a problem.
The one good thing coming up is that I'm going to Toronto and Montreal at the end of this month. Toronto will be a family visit, which is healthy because my grandmother is generally a comfort for me. My trip to montreal will be healthy because it's my old university stomping ground, and my hippy-best-friend lives there still. It will be nice to be around someone who isn't all about the nice cars, nails and hair. Montreal's a different town than Vancouver overall and I need a break before I go back to school in September. I can feel that I need some time away. This will be a welcome two weeks.
Anyway... that's enough whining for now. I have to get on the stairmaster so i can get my endorphins up.
