I don't even want to write this entry, but I feel the need to get it out.
The Mexican once told me that sometimes, "white girls can be silly in bed". At the time, I understood he meant me (and previous girls), and I was honest with myself that he was right. When I got nervous, I could be silly in bed. I did get over it though, with him.
I am dating a silly white boy. I don't mean that in a bad way, but he's white, and he can be kind of silly about sexual things. Yesterday we were in a swimming pool, alone, in the dark, and I kind of wrapped my legs around him. It felt like an intimate moment between the two of us, two people who have been together for 8 months now, and quite like eachother. I don't know what goes on in his head, but he started doing this annoying thrusting motion which, yes, was sexual, but no, was not at all intimate or sexy. It was annoying.
The same is true with ass-slapping. My last two boyfriends were ass men. They liked a good rump, and they liked to smack it to make it jiggle. Not painfully, or rudely, just in an appreciative way. I was fine with it. I talked my current boyfriend up to the ass-slap, but he just doesn't get it at all. He thinks ass slapping is about getting me to yelp, or he slaps to get a laugh out of onlookers. I can't even tell him to stop because I kind of trained him to do it. He won't understand if I now say, 'no slapping'. It was really annoying yesterday though when I was nearly asleep in the car and we got back to his place. As we walked to the elevator, I felt this sting on my ass as he slapped it. I said no so he stopped, but how the hell has he gotten the whole concept of the ass slap SO MIXED UP? It's supposed to be sexy, flattering, hot... an affirmation of my booty and it's sexiness. It is NOT a joke to make us giggle. At least, not ALL the time.
I just keep thinking about the Mexican this week. I do NOT want him, it's not about that. It's just that sex is SUCH an incredible deficiency in my current relationship. I am dating someone who is years younger than me in sexual experience and confidence, despite the fact that he at least doubles my "number". Proof that it's about quality, not quantity.
The other night, he was performing oral sex. (Is that too blunt?) In 8 months, I've come once from him doing that. In the past, I've come a lot. It's only partly me, mostly him. Anyway, he did something that I liked and I asked him later what it was he'd done (I knew what it felt like, but I didn't know what he'd actually done, technique-wise). He answered, "I'm not telling; you'll just tell the next guy!" He was joking, but it was a really insecure thing to say. And it was dumb because in my head I was thinking, "Dude, if the next guy is even a little better in bed than you, chances are, he already knows that trick!"
Honestly, it really upsets me because it makes me know with absolute certainty that this relationship is not forever. We get along SO WELL, I feel like I love him, we are a great couple for companionship. But god, I think about sex with other people a lot. I'm not a cheater, so I'm not worried, but I hate that this is something that I just can't change in him. He's just not good at sex. He tries, he listens and wants to be good and please me, but he just isn't. I hold too much power in the relationship, and in bed, I just want a lot more prowess.
It really bothers me because everything else works undescribably well.
A girlfriend just called.
