So, today is a not-so-good day. For one thing, it's grey and raining. For another, my boyfriend is causing me stress.
I didn't want to have sex last night. I was in the shower and my nether region felt a bit sore from the last time we did it, and on top of that, my urinary tract was hurting; It always hurts when I'm feeling stressed. I knew that when I went to bed, it was going to be a problem. He takes it personally when I'm not into it which, on occasion, he's had reason to do, but much of the time, this time, I just had other stuff on my mind. I just didn't feel like sex.
I told him that I'd wanted it earlier in the afternoon but we left the house. He asked why I hadn't said anything to which I answered that I'd thought I would be up for it later, so no big deal if it didn't happen right then... but then I wasn't up for it later and it was a big deal. He felt rejected. I felt misunderstood and a bit frustrated. I felt like saying, "God, I have OTHER SHIT going on in my life outside of this bedroom. Can I puh-leese have a night when I don't have a good excuse but I just don't want it?"
I guess this past week I've been annoyed with him about a few things, so maybe he's feeling sensitive. But frankly, since I met him, I feel like, I've been fired from my job (which i didn't like but it still means no money), I've started a new 2-year school program, which I HATED for the first 5 months. I've had a new roommate come in, which hasn't worked out, this week I decided to move in May which means that I a) have to PACK up my house, and b) I have to FIND a new place to live, AND I've got 6 finals (six!) in a few weeks. Christ, it's possible that my mind is a little occupied, isn't it? I mean, it's not like the world is perfect for him, but he has lived in the same place for over a year, he has had the same job, which he likes, for over a year, the same schedule... Basically, I'M the only change he's faced this year. His life is more stable, so perhaps, so are his moods. It's not a crazy thought.
I know he's just being honest in saying he feels like I don't want to be around him, but this past week, he HAS felt like a burden. He wants my company, he wants 'happy couple', he wants to go out clubbing, and I feel like while that's great, I have a few other things that are occupying my mind. I'm not sleeping well, which I think is symptomatic.
He never believes me when I say, "It's not about you", or, "I'm just tired", or, "I don't have the energy to go out tonight", or even the honest excuse I made on Saturday night that "My stomach feels funny" (I think the sushi caused it). It's like he's always worried that I'm not being honest and that it's really about him. It annoys the hell out of me -- i don't want to be in a position where every time I say I'm not up for something, I have to reassure him 5 times that it's not about him.
*I just had a 20 minute solo rant in front of the computer screen trying to figure out what's going on and how I can explain this to my boyfriend. I don't have an answer, but I definitely know I'm stressed because I started crying.*
I understand that he's feeling sensitive and perhaps I am pushing him away a bit right now, but somehow, I need to get him to understand that I may need more space, or more understanding given the number of things coming my way in the next few weeks. Basically, I may ask for a time-out.
