For Valentine's Day, my boyfriend went all out. Dozen roses, lingerie, dinner reservations, drinks afterward... it kind of overwhelmed me. In this case it was a bit extravagant for (a simple gal like) me, but even without V-day, he's so thoughtful. He just takes so much time to think about gifts, and make plans, and do things to surprise me. It's all really sweet, but it is highlighting to me just how reserved I am about showering someone with gifts and displays of sentiment. I'm just not nearly as thoughtful as him. It's kind of humbling, to be honest.
Anyway, so I find myself feeling a little vulnerable to this person. My Mr. Right-Now has turned into a 6 month, exclusive relationship (my longest relationship having been 8 months), and we have summer plans already. I am actually comfortable thinking about trips we could take NEXT December over winter break. I have never in my life had long-term planning thoughts like this that included the person I'm dating. (Of course, I would NEVER say as much to him because I'm still a commitment phobe at heart). I really notice with myself that I am not comfortable feeling close to someone, and "falling" for them. It's like, the stronger my feelings for my boyfriend become, the more I have to tell myself that, "this is so great right now, but it's definitely not forever." That thought is the only one that makes me feel comfortable. I think it makes me feel like I'm not losing control of my feelings or emotions.
He invited me to go for dinner with his parents tonight. I've met his mom once, but never his father. I have mid-terms next week, so I backed out. I'm actually relieved though. I think I'll like his dad, but I'm just kind of nervous about that step (of meeting the parents), too. It's another way of making the relationship "something".
I'm a weird duck with relationship stuff. I'm not playing the field, or the cheating type, but being totally committed and spending a long time with someone scares me. It's a horrible thought, but in the back of my head I think, "The closer we get, the worse it's going to feel when it eventually ends". It's a very sabotaging notion to have in your head.
Anyway, I'm stressed about midterms, so I'm going to have a bath. Just wanted to write that.
