I can't stop crying today. I just keep breaking down. I have my period right now, so I guess it could be PMS. It could be the birth control hormones. It could be Seasonal Affective Disorder (we haven't had a sunny day in over 26 days). It could be that I'm stressed about my program (still).
Every Friday we have a procedural class that is so boring, I nearly cried in class today. I hate my program. Really, really hate it. It's not just that I dislike being in school, I hate more than half of my classes. I think they're a waste of time. My time.
Here I go again... another round of tears. This is hormonal... it's just too irrational to be anything else.
I was bitchy with my boyfriend last night. He was pissing me off, though.
I am in this course because there's a job at the end of it. The question is, is that a good enough reason to stay in it for another 1.5 years? I spent 4 years in my undergraduate program though, and there was no job at the end of that. And frankly, I only kind of liked it... some courses. Why are undergraduate programs so long? 4 whole years of your life... and in my program, there were a lot of "filler" courses in other subject areas.
*crying again. wtf?*
I just keep thinking to myself, "I had opportunity handed to me on a silver fucking platter. My mom paid for my university years, I am upper middle class, I was in the school and program of my choice... and yet what did I do? I didn't do well, that's what". And as a result, it's not likely I'll get into any graduate programs. What I wonder to myself is, does it matter? If I didn't like my undergrad, if I was unhappy those 4 years, WHY would I want to go on to do another 2 years of schooling for an M.A.? That's not even sensical.
I'm considering going back to India next December for my winter break. Maybe for a month. I feel like that would give me something to look forward to until then, and in going there, maybe I'll start to get some clarity again. Because right now, I feel lost. I feel like outside voices and other people's opinions are dictating my actions, rather than me just listening to my own intuition. It really feels like my intuition is being overpowered by other stuff...
When I'm working, I crave school. When I'm in school, I crave work. There's something wrong with that... why am I so all over the place?
Maybe I'm doing the right thing right now. I only have 1.5 years more (with 4 full months of summer in between to work), and then I'll have a job.
Fuck, why did things feel so clear when I got back from India, and now, everything feels uncertain? When I got back, even the things that didn't feel certain were ok somehow, they didn't panick me. Why is that?
Frankly, if I could figure out the answer to that question, I bet I'd never cry again.
*** I just found an entry from a year ago. Here's one explanation about how India helps me***
